I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mainly on the subjects of spirituality, enlightenment, and being without a partner.

I need to get back into deep, higher level thinking again. I used to write a lot of short philosophies and read Plato's works. I also read the Tao te Ching front to back as well as some of the works of Confucious and other Eastern philosophers. A lot of stuff has happened to me since those days, which were only about three or so years ago.

I guess I can blog about the past few years.

I was in an off and on relationship from the time I was sixteen until I was about twenty, almost twenty-one. The guy I was with wasn't exactly the greatest individual. We always fought, always bickered, and had next to nothing in common with one another. He taught me to shy away from the world around me. And I did. I'm still encased within my shell most of the time because he also convinced me that I was unintelligent and that no one liked me or took me seriously. I was actually engaged, with a ring, to this guy for seven months.

Thinking back it's sad at how blind I was. Because I was trapped in this relationship, it is extremely hard for me to show or tell someone that I like them now. I'm deathly afraid of rejection and most of the time it seems way better to stay friends with someone and never tell them how I feel because I think I'll just get rejected anyway. That's sad. Sometimes those thoughts lead me to think that I'll be alone forever. I know in my heart that I won't, though.

Near the end of our relationship, I would estimate for about three months prior to and six months afterwards, there was a stint where I was going to a shrink and a psychiatrist. I was extremely down and I would sleep for sixteen hours some days. They helped me out a lot but they also convinced me that I was crazy. In those few months I was prescribed to Celexa and Wellbutrin for severe depression, Klonopin for panic attacks associated with general and social anxiety disorder, Geodon and Abilify for manic depression, and Paxil for severe depression and to combat panic attacks.

Sometimes I'd be on three of these anti-depression/anti-psychotic drugs at once, plus the extracirriculars I was doing at the time. The casserole of stuff I blinded myself with caused me to oversleep a lot and do some really outlandish stuff. I still think my brain is messed up sometimes.

So those months are really nothing but a haze to me. I've gotten off of everything since then and I'm trying to rebuild everything I crushed. I have also cut ties with a few people and hope to keep it that way.

That's it, really. It was a wild ride and I'm glad to finally be off of it. I'm still getting used to not feeling like a zombie all of the time, though. Depression wise I haven't cried since July when my then boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. I've reestablished my social circle and I'm always looking for new people to talk to.

I suppose that's it for tonight. I picked up a copy of Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements at the bookstore last night and I aim to read it within a few days. I'll let you know how it is.